He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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