I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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