Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
