I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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