If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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