WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
