if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
