Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
