11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
They are going to name an STD after you.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
