I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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