someone owes me an orgasm
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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