Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
