How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
