five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Come on in and take your pants off
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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