I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She swung at the pinata with crutches
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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