i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
