you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize