yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
