Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
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