Got a toothbrush?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
