She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
