My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
