wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
