Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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