there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
