So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
