i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
