before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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