My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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