Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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