Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
