I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
