I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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