cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize