My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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