Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
