I think my fart just growled at me.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
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