Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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