this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
