Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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