I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
