and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
