we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
