I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Randomize
