It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
