So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
