If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
