Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
