Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize