I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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