Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
