i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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