It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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