You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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