Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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