1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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