Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
