I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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