i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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