But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
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