I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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