The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
it glows. i had to have it.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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