Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You know, be my cock's hype man.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
