A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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