Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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