I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
