as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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