I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
